Friend-Lover.

The friend lovers. That game we play after the relationship is over and we pick up the pieces of our hearts. We tell ourselves that we can do this... We can maintain a platonic relationship with the person that was once our worlds. The person that knows us better than we know ourselves sometimes. The person who was once inside of our hearts in more ways than a friend could ever be. 

But in my opinion and experience, this is untrue. 

Secretly, you want something to happen. You want them to SEE what's in front of them. There's no way in hell you can sit there and hear about their new significant other without feeling something. Without the longing. You want them to be around in some form, some way so you can feel some of what you felt when you were together. You're playing this game with your heart. Tricking it into not hurting for that space of time. On the surface, you look like you're handling it well. This is working. And then... it blows up in your face. You're the one keeping all the other prospects for another love at bay because you're wishing and waiting on this person who has moved on.

And you can't say anything in protest, because you're the friend.

Don't put yourself through that. Sometimes, you need to just let go of the situation completely. For YOUR sanity. 

The Final Goodbye.

So, here we are. After this roller coaster ride of back and forth, we're at this weird place where we go our separate ways. The fire is still there. Or, so I think. But we cant be. We cant make this work no matter what the other person does. Best to leave it where it is and return to our respective partners before one of ends up really fucked in the head.

I've moved on. I think, anyways. And you went back to her. And as your friend, I still don't think that you made the right choice. Anyone but that insane hood-rat. But I mean, that's another story for a different day. This is about what we've learned. Well, what I've learned.

And honestly, you've taught me so much. I've grown up so much in the short time from May to now. Thank you for everything you were and everything you weren't.

Fairy tales don't exist to me anymore. And if something is too good to be true, it probably is. On the bad side, you've jaded me a little. I'm skeptical of a lot now. Words mean nothing. If I don't see it, then I don't believe it. But even then, I'm still a bit unbelieving.

A friend of mine asked me if you ever wanted to come back, would I let you.........

I honestly now can say no. You've put me through too much. I'm too scarred from this whole thing.

Black roses for this dead love.

Shut your mouth!

So, I've been reading "The 48 Laws of Power" and one of the laws touch on saying less than necessary.

I must admit, I've broken this law many times. I've spoke how I felt, broke my "poker face", etc. all for temporary satisfaction. I wanted the other person to know how I felt, maybe even FEEL an ounce of what I felt. But that's where the problems begin. They know too much. You've let this other person in now, and they have a glimpse into what you're really about. They can now use this to their advantage.

They've won.


The more you say, the more common you appear. Its all about mystery. I know this from personal experience. Whenever people don't know much about you, they start to speculate and spin these fairy-tales about who you are and what you're about. People want in. They're curious and want to find out what's really under the proverbial hood of YOU.

One thing I'm trying to learn is to keep my mouth closed. Don't let everyone in. We're all playing this power game, whether we want to admit it or not. And I'm playing for keeps. You clearly display your insecurities with too many words. I see it happening, as I type this.

"The human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief." -Robert Greene


Silence makes people uncomfortable. It causes you to appear profound, mysterious and powerful. Utilize it. Say less than necessary.

Baby, I can feel myself giving up...

You have to know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, and when to walk [run] away....

I'm living this. Sometimes we hold onto things and/or people because we know in our minds how amazing things could be if it manifested. The easy laughs, intense passion, the understanding, the body language... it all points to how amazing this could be.. how easy this relationship would be... how everyday would be even sweeter than the day before. You know that this is right. You feel it.

But how long do you hold on? When this other person is telling you they're confused and all of the signs are pointing to the opposite, how long do you hold onto your fairytale? You'd said you'd be patient and wait and be there for them and be their friend while they sort things out, but how much are you willing to take? Blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings. The secrets and the hoops you jump through to keep the peace. The tears you mask and the nonchalant attitude you display because you KNOW. You're simply waiting for them to see what's in front of them. Realize that, its been you all along. The stress that they're going through is unnecessary, and could be deaded with a simple reality check.

What do you do when you feel yourself giving up? The fairytale is fading because you're not dumb and can clearly see what this is. It should never be this difficult. You see the love on their face, and grow angry when you realize that, that love isn't for you. They don't want you but don't want you to hurt again so they hold on, but loosely. Just enough to keep you "satisfied".

What's your breaking point?

"....after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe, you walked back to where you hurt. & I didn't have nothing. So I went to where someone had something for me. But, he wasn't you." -Ntozake Shange

Fighting

        I’m not sure why I feel like I’m always doing the most in my relationships. Maybe it’s in how I was raised or simply my personality but I always tend to give so much of myself. I’m fighting for US and pushing for the relationship but I get left with the feeling that the action isn’t being reciprocated. It’s terrible, but I go these head-trips about whether or not, if I fell back and let the chips fall where they may, would I even BE in this relationship. Would the calls/texts cease if I didn’t initiate them? Would this person even come around and check for me if I decided to let them make the plans and waited for them to tell me that they wanted to see me? That scares me.

            It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t be doing all the fighting, pushing, and longing. I’m a damn good girlfriend, and I deserve a good man. I’ve convinced myself of that fact. I don’t HAVE to accept the bottom of the barrel, and I won’t.

            There’s someone that I want, but the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t seem to want it as bad as I do. He claims that, “it’s not that simple.” I call bullshit because if you want something bad enough, you’d fight for it. Point blank, period. You’d fight and you wouldn’t give up and you wouldn’t make a million excuses as to why it wouldn’t work and you’d allow me to be here.

            And don’t give me that load of crap about looking out for me. I’m a consenting adult. I know what I’m signing up for and what I’m getting myself into. But, because I’M fighting for what I perceive is something real, I’m willing to work on it.

            So why can’t I get the same?

            I just want someone that’s willing to fight for me. For us… Is that too much to ask for?

Can You Find The Words?

Okay. Please don’t kill me guys. I know I was supposed to be back since Wednesday but between getting back from New York with a terrible cold, working unexpectedly two days in a row and then running off to North Carolina spur of the moment; it’s safe to say that I’ve done the most and neglected my dear blog.

Anyway though… the subject that is at the forefront of my mind is this…

Have you ever been put on the spot? Such as… you’re staring at your guy/girl in the eyes and they suddenly ask you, “Why do you love me?” ….wait, what? Why you ruining my moment for, man? I DON’T KNOW.

 Maybe it’s just me but when I get those types of questions I get tongue tied and confused. The words don’t come out right. They’re mangled and shallow and totally not what I mean at all. I basically end up looking like a childish idiot who doesn’t have any concrete reasoning as to why I feel the way I do.

Well, give me a few minutes to get my words on some paper and you get this…

            I feel you in every pore of my being. There’s a connection that I cannot form the words to describe. I’ve only felt this intense feeling with you. The fire that dances behind my eyes when I stare into yours burns intensely. I love being around you; I smile constantly. The jokes we have between us are priceless. The carefree nature that we have with one another and the laughs that come easily cannot be compared to anything else. When our hands intertwine, my heart pounds so hard that I feel as if it will jump out of my chest. I would have your children at a moment’s notice and I would alter every plan if it meant building a future with you. I cannot see myself with anyone else but you. I feel safe in your embrace. I feel beautiful and I get breathless when you look at me. I would never do anything to disrespect you or what we have. That’s why I love you, boy.

That should suffice, right? It better.

Peace and Love. Be blessed. 

The Big Switch.

I don’t think I’ve ever realized, until now, how deeply I loved. I don’t mean just in relationships, but I’m talking about just about everything I get involved in. I have a tendency to fall deep for things. Like say, my friendships, my family, my love of pink, shoes, make-up, and Beyonce… yeah. I’m so serious.


The people I associate myself with, I truly want the best for them. I want to fiercely protect them, I want for them to be happy, and I want their success more than my own. It’s weird, I know. I honestly would body someone over my friends. The thought scares me. I think I came to this realization once I finally let go of the whole “ex” situation. I woke up one day and was just over it. He finally got want he wanted. He was happy. So, even though it wasn’t me, I was okay. What the everloving fuck was that about?!

Why couldn’t I stay mad, sad or bitter? Why couldn’t I feel what was totally normal and justified? Why wasn’t I hurt? He always talked about what he wanted and what I couldn’t give him at the time. Someone did. It wasn’t me, but from the outside looking in, he was on the path to his happily ever after. So, I was good. I loved him that deep that I was still rooting for him and wishing for his success and happiness. I was praying for him to just… make it. I didn’t want him to struggle; I wanted all of his dreams to come true. The same prayers that I was saying when we were together, I was still praying them.

As I type this, my mind is screaming, “WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!?!?!” and I’m honestly not sure. Maybe my readers can help me understand. I’m still young. I’m still learning. So, I honestly don’t have an answer. But I went from wanting to key the fuck out of his pretty little car to wanting to shake his hand, smile, and say “….my man” in my Frank Lucas “American Gangster” voice. Whoa.