Fighting

        I’m not sure why I feel like I’m always doing the most in my relationships. Maybe it’s in how I was raised or simply my personality but I always tend to give so much of myself. I’m fighting for US and pushing for the relationship but I get left with the feeling that the action isn’t being reciprocated. It’s terrible, but I go these head-trips about whether or not, if I fell back and let the chips fall where they may, would I even BE in this relationship. Would the calls/texts cease if I didn’t initiate them? Would this person even come around and check for me if I decided to let them make the plans and waited for them to tell me that they wanted to see me? That scares me.

            It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t be doing all the fighting, pushing, and longing. I’m a damn good girlfriend, and I deserve a good man. I’ve convinced myself of that fact. I don’t HAVE to accept the bottom of the barrel, and I won’t.

            There’s someone that I want, but the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t seem to want it as bad as I do. He claims that, “it’s not that simple.” I call bullshit because if you want something bad enough, you’d fight for it. Point blank, period. You’d fight and you wouldn’t give up and you wouldn’t make a million excuses as to why it wouldn’t work and you’d allow me to be here.

            And don’t give me that load of crap about looking out for me. I’m a consenting adult. I know what I’m signing up for and what I’m getting myself into. But, because I’M fighting for what I perceive is something real, I’m willing to work on it.

            So why can’t I get the same?

            I just want someone that’s willing to fight for me. For us… Is that too much to ask for?

Can You Find The Words?

Okay. Please don’t kill me guys. I know I was supposed to be back since Wednesday but between getting back from New York with a terrible cold, working unexpectedly two days in a row and then running off to North Carolina spur of the moment; it’s safe to say that I’ve done the most and neglected my dear blog.

Anyway though… the subject that is at the forefront of my mind is this…

Have you ever been put on the spot? Such as… you’re staring at your guy/girl in the eyes and they suddenly ask you, “Why do you love me?” ….wait, what? Why you ruining my moment for, man? I DON’T KNOW.

 Maybe it’s just me but when I get those types of questions I get tongue tied and confused. The words don’t come out right. They’re mangled and shallow and totally not what I mean at all. I basically end up looking like a childish idiot who doesn’t have any concrete reasoning as to why I feel the way I do.

Well, give me a few minutes to get my words on some paper and you get this…

            I feel you in every pore of my being. There’s a connection that I cannot form the words to describe. I’ve only felt this intense feeling with you. The fire that dances behind my eyes when I stare into yours burns intensely. I love being around you; I smile constantly. The jokes we have between us are priceless. The carefree nature that we have with one another and the laughs that come easily cannot be compared to anything else. When our hands intertwine, my heart pounds so hard that I feel as if it will jump out of my chest. I would have your children at a moment’s notice and I would alter every plan if it meant building a future with you. I cannot see myself with anyone else but you. I feel safe in your embrace. I feel beautiful and I get breathless when you look at me. I would never do anything to disrespect you or what we have. That’s why I love you, boy.

That should suffice, right? It better.

Peace and Love. Be blessed. 

The Big Switch.

I don’t think I’ve ever realized, until now, how deeply I loved. I don’t mean just in relationships, but I’m talking about just about everything I get involved in. I have a tendency to fall deep for things. Like say, my friendships, my family, my love of pink, shoes, make-up, and Beyonce… yeah. I’m so serious.


The people I associate myself with, I truly want the best for them. I want to fiercely protect them, I want for them to be happy, and I want their success more than my own. It’s weird, I know. I honestly would body someone over my friends. The thought scares me. I think I came to this realization once I finally let go of the whole “ex” situation. I woke up one day and was just over it. He finally got want he wanted. He was happy. So, even though it wasn’t me, I was okay. What the everloving fuck was that about?!

Why couldn’t I stay mad, sad or bitter? Why couldn’t I feel what was totally normal and justified? Why wasn’t I hurt? He always talked about what he wanted and what I couldn’t give him at the time. Someone did. It wasn’t me, but from the outside looking in, he was on the path to his happily ever after. So, I was good. I loved him that deep that I was still rooting for him and wishing for his success and happiness. I was praying for him to just… make it. I didn’t want him to struggle; I wanted all of his dreams to come true. The same prayers that I was saying when we were together, I was still praying them.

As I type this, my mind is screaming, “WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!?!?!” and I’m honestly not sure. Maybe my readers can help me understand. I’m still young. I’m still learning. So, I honestly don’t have an answer. But I went from wanting to key the fuck out of his pretty little car to wanting to shake his hand, smile, and say “….my man” in my Frank Lucas “American Gangster” voice. Whoa.

The New Year

…The end of the year. As it rapidly approaches, I start to reflect more and more on the past year. It was filled with its ups and downs, triumphs and failures. I learned some hard life lessons and I lost some people while I gained others. I’m young, (hence the site name) so as I get older and learn these hard life lessons, and become more of an “adult”, I anticipate the new year and what it will hold.

            What will this new year bring? What style changes will I make? Who will I meet? Who will I disassociate myself with? I have so many questions. Life is ever-evolving. I cannot stand to stay stagnant. Normalcy does not amuse me in the slightest. Maybe I’ll pick up and move to a state where no one knows my name, or maybe I’ll dye my hair a crazy color and become the super unapproachable bitch. Ahh… the possibilities of the new year.

            For the Debbie Downers that rag on those that appreciate the coming new year and the changes that they plan to make, I say this to you… Have several seats and stay the same. Let us, the free-thinkers, the optimists, the people that are desperate for something new and better, let us bask in the possibilities of 01/01/2011.

Friends... Who Needs Them?!

Friends. How many of us have them? Not just associates we hang around for the sake of not being alone, but actual friends that we depend on. Look at the girls or guys that you surround yourself with. Can you count on these people to be there when it all falls down? Do you honestly believe that you can trust these people with your innermost thoughts, feelings and insecurities?

            I have three girls that I trust with my… everything. They are the most irritating, horrible, judgmental, beautiful, witty, and smart females that I know. Lee, Nina, and Tash-E are always there. I have a tendency to love deep. I give entirely too much of myself to someone in any given situation and these are the only girls who have proven time and time again that they are worthy of my time and tears.

            We all have extraordinary stories, and hopefully I’ll be able to find the words in order to put our stories together in a way that pleases all of us. We all have had very difficult life experiences and through adversity, we all are still shining like motherfucking stars. (I stole that from Little Wayne’s “Misunderstood” song, which was pretty good by the way. Check it out.)

            I digress. I have a low attention span. Anyway, These girls are always there for me. We address each of our parents as “mom” and “dad”, and we go above and beyond for one another. If one of us is struggling financially and the other has it, they give it. If one of us is feeling depressed, we’re booking a flight or bus ride to bring them out of that slump.

            My mother once said to me while I was fighting with one of my sisters, that, “You’re only blessed with ONE true friend, so cherish them. Don’t ever let them go.”

I believe that I was given the overflow with my three.

            If you have someone close to you that you consider your other half, cherish them. Petty fights and disagreements should not stop your friendship from flourishing. Life’s way too short for silliness. Swallow your pride and keep it pushing, pimpin’.

          I'm currently in the middle of a sleepover with two of my sisters. Yes, we're grown and still huddled up in one queen sized bed. Enjoy your weekend. 

These Words Are My Own.

I'm still working on how to post the next excerpt from my novel. I know everyone that has read is interested in learning more about the girls. However, I need to interject with a different sort of post. As always, leave me comments. :)

            Walking around in a pair of sparkly six inch platform heels, pajama shorts and pigtails (very Carrie Bradshaw-esque, I know), I decided I needed to make a list of things I need to buy. Such as blush, pressed powder, more shoes, etc. So I picked up the first notebook I saw laying around and of course, with my luck, it’s the notebook I’ve used to write down all of my thoughts from May until now.

            I skimmed. They were all about… him. I couldn’t bring myself to actually read these thoughts. I had dug myself out of the hole already. Going back in was out of the question. Besides, I was on my monthly. Emotions were running on an all time high for me. Tears were not a part of the equation today. I was wearing sparkly heels, for Christ’s sake.

            But the point of this post is, these words… Do I dispose of them? Are they constant reminders of my failures in this relationship? Am I tormenting myself by having them sitting on my desk? Or, as an aspiring writer and a person that is constantly evolving, are these words useful to me in some way? Maybe when my soul mate finds me, I can look back and see how silly I might’ve been. Or, I can use them for material for a future column, book, etc. etc. Am I making excuses to hold on to a piece of me I’m supposed to be over?

-sigh- I have questions. I’m over the situation, yes. However, these journal entries were a major part of me. These words are beautiful. They’re scrambled and sometimes ugly and depressing. But, they’re mine. 

Spot

You ever wonder what it all really means? This drama you go through. The ups, downs, triumphs and failures. You ever wonder what purpose these things serve as? I do. Constantly.

I wonder if I’ll ever reach my dreams. If I‘ll ever succeed or meet everyone’s expectations of me. If I’ll ever get that husband and 2.5 kids.

I have dreams. To write for a major publication. Own a condo and have one car of my choice. Well, until I get married and then it’s time to look for a house and more cars. Everything stress free and paid for and we won’t struggle and we’ll love each other and be happy.

Do I think everything will actually be easy and breezy? No. I know I’m going to have to bust my ass and fight my way to a spot.

But all this trivial bullshit I go through…. I wonder sometimes if it’s all a part of some master plan. If it’s shaping who I am as a person. If it will even benefit me in my future.

It’s interesting to try and guess the people that will actually make it in your future. Because, we all know that everyone isn’t going to stick around. Some people are going to walk out, or fall by the wayside.

I mean, I’m living for now… But I wonder a lot. Where will I fit in this world? What slice of the pie am I going to get? I’m just trying to find my little spot, like a polka dot. That’s all.

Stop Doing The Most

Love is a battlefield and it’s not easy and it’s worth fighting for but exactly how much are you willing to take to have the love of another?

How much disrespect, sore throats from screaming and heartache is too much?

I’m still trying to find this balance of just enough. I don’t give up or walk away easily at all, but at the same time, some shit isn’t even worth it. And you’ll know when something just isn’t healthy. Nothing that anybody tells you can make you walk away either. That’s something you have to get to on your own. And you’ll get there. I promise.

Remember that.

-Eboni Merriman

Love Songs

          I’m listening to love songs again. 


           I don’t know why, they make me really sad. But they’re so beautiful. They make me believe in the possibility of finding a guy that will drive me to write beautiful things. Spill my heart on the paper. Not just scribble these over emotional and dark thoughts on a piece of paper that no one will ever read. 


            They make the possibility of dedicating these beautiful melodies to someone who will appreciate and cherish them very real. Love songs make the possibility of walking down the aisle to these well thought out and well versed words not just a fantasy. 


            Love songs also bring me back to reality though. 


          Love songs bring me back to the reality that HE left. They bring me back to the reality that no matter how I cut it, HE lied to me. HE took my heart and squeezed it so tight that it oozed all over his hands and dripped to the floor. All of my thoughtful words, letters, smiles, kisses, and sweaty confessions of love dripped onto the floor where he threw my mangled heart and briskly walked away. The floor that he used to walk away from the promises he made, the door that he used to slam and shut out all my dreams for the future. 


             That’s what love songs do to me now. I’d like to listen to a love song without the echo of his voice telling me that I was his, forever. I’d like to listen to a love song without feeling his hand intertwined in mine. Just once, for Christ’s sake… I’d like to hear a love song, and be unaffected. 


                     Is that too much to ask for?!

Just Rambling.

Staring in your eyes, I get stuck.
To see a future, possibly an us?
To get to that, I must.
Scared to say too much, don't want to scare you away.
I just wan't you to stay.
Near me, feel me, be there with me.
Let's walk this Earth's journey together,
hand in hand.
Baby, we have GOT to make a plan.
I'm not a kid anymore and you've got to work with me.
Give me something to build on and make me believe.
I just want you to see...
the future that lies in ME.

-Eboni Merriman

I Live By This...

Life... is beautiful.

Let the future generations cleanse it of all evil, violence and oppression, and enjoy it to the full.

Evelyn.

She stood before me, trying to wake me so I could get my day started. She threatened me with ice cubes, so I obliged. When I opened my eye's, that's when I got a good look at her. Her hips, thick from years of her own good cooking, her long hair in waves, and her eyeglasses that corrected the vision of the most beautiful hazel eyes I have ever seen. Eyes that held pureness of heart in them, eyes that were filled with love and laughter, but also filled with a tinge of knowing. Knowing of what heartache and loss was, knowing of struggles and despair. When I looked at her this morning in her sensible black slacks and scoop neck tee, I knew that she had been through everything I was trying to work through and then some. But as her loving, healing hands brushed my calf to shake me from my slumber, I knew that I could overcome it. The smile lines laden on her fair skin confirmed that my days would improve.

2am Ramblings.

I couldn't sleep last night and the words just came...its not a poem, i don't think. It doesn't have any sort of rhythm but it was my thoughts just spilling out on the paper...

Lies you told in the heat of the moment. Plans we made during pillow talk. Were you blinded by the passion, the haze of the lust we held for one another?

I took these words seriously.

Carried them with me throughout my day.

They rocked me to sleep at night.

The notion or idea that I could build a future with someone intrigued me. I pictured our kids...a boy for you, a girl for me.

But then...these visions started to fade before my eyes.

The ignored phones calls, unanswered texts, the broken promises.

Reality struck and the fairytale I was planning was hit. The force of the blow rattled it so hard that it couldn't be recovered. My love went away. The only thing I thought would stay, left.

The epitome of a summer love. It left me broken, tarnished and filled with gut wrenching pain.

Blehh.

I need a man that would fiercely protect me and my heart, care about this relationship as much or more than I do, carry  my heart in his hands like it was his own, take me out without my urging, meet my parents and spend holidays as a couple, build a future with me, text/call me without me having to do it first, tells me he loves me randomly, buy me flowers, have long talks about the future of US, love me the way I deserve to be loved, stimulate my mind and body, look at me like I was the most important and beautiful person to him at that very moment, allow me into his heart and to love him, allow me to give all of myself while giving me the same in return.

No lies. Just love.<3