Baby, I can feel myself giving up...

You have to know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, and when to walk [run] away....

I'm living this. Sometimes we hold onto things and/or people because we know in our minds how amazing things could be if it manifested. The easy laughs, intense passion, the understanding, the body language... it all points to how amazing this could be.. how easy this relationship would be... how everyday would be even sweeter than the day before. You know that this is right. You feel it.

But how long do you hold on? When this other person is telling you they're confused and all of the signs are pointing to the opposite, how long do you hold onto your fairytale? You'd said you'd be patient and wait and be there for them and be their friend while they sort things out, but how much are you willing to take? Blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings. The secrets and the hoops you jump through to keep the peace. The tears you mask and the nonchalant attitude you display because you KNOW. You're simply waiting for them to see what's in front of them. Realize that, its been you all along. The stress that they're going through is unnecessary, and could be deaded with a simple reality check.

What do you do when you feel yourself giving up? The fairytale is fading because you're not dumb and can clearly see what this is. It should never be this difficult. You see the love on their face, and grow angry when you realize that, that love isn't for you. They don't want you but don't want you to hurt again so they hold on, but loosely. Just enough to keep you "satisfied".

What's your breaking point?

"....after you put my heart in the bottom of your shoe, you walked back to where you hurt. & I didn't have nothing. So I went to where someone had something for me. But, he wasn't you." -Ntozake Shange

Fighting

        I’m not sure why I feel like I’m always doing the most in my relationships. Maybe it’s in how I was raised or simply my personality but I always tend to give so much of myself. I’m fighting for US and pushing for the relationship but I get left with the feeling that the action isn’t being reciprocated. It’s terrible, but I go these head-trips about whether or not, if I fell back and let the chips fall where they may, would I even BE in this relationship. Would the calls/texts cease if I didn’t initiate them? Would this person even come around and check for me if I decided to let them make the plans and waited for them to tell me that they wanted to see me? That scares me.

            It shouldn’t be like that. I shouldn’t be doing all the fighting, pushing, and longing. I’m a damn good girlfriend, and I deserve a good man. I’ve convinced myself of that fact. I don’t HAVE to accept the bottom of the barrel, and I won’t.

            There’s someone that I want, but the truth of the matter is, he doesn’t seem to want it as bad as I do. He claims that, “it’s not that simple.” I call bullshit because if you want something bad enough, you’d fight for it. Point blank, period. You’d fight and you wouldn’t give up and you wouldn’t make a million excuses as to why it wouldn’t work and you’d allow me to be here.

            And don’t give me that load of crap about looking out for me. I’m a consenting adult. I know what I’m signing up for and what I’m getting myself into. But, because I’M fighting for what I perceive is something real, I’m willing to work on it.

            So why can’t I get the same?

            I just want someone that’s willing to fight for me. For us… Is that too much to ask for?

Can You Find The Words?

Okay. Please don’t kill me guys. I know I was supposed to be back since Wednesday but between getting back from New York with a terrible cold, working unexpectedly two days in a row and then running off to North Carolina spur of the moment; it’s safe to say that I’ve done the most and neglected my dear blog.

Anyway though… the subject that is at the forefront of my mind is this…

Have you ever been put on the spot? Such as… you’re staring at your guy/girl in the eyes and they suddenly ask you, “Why do you love me?” ….wait, what? Why you ruining my moment for, man? I DON’T KNOW.

 Maybe it’s just me but when I get those types of questions I get tongue tied and confused. The words don’t come out right. They’re mangled and shallow and totally not what I mean at all. I basically end up looking like a childish idiot who doesn’t have any concrete reasoning as to why I feel the way I do.

Well, give me a few minutes to get my words on some paper and you get this…

            I feel you in every pore of my being. There’s a connection that I cannot form the words to describe. I’ve only felt this intense feeling with you. The fire that dances behind my eyes when I stare into yours burns intensely. I love being around you; I smile constantly. The jokes we have between us are priceless. The carefree nature that we have with one another and the laughs that come easily cannot be compared to anything else. When our hands intertwine, my heart pounds so hard that I feel as if it will jump out of my chest. I would have your children at a moment’s notice and I would alter every plan if it meant building a future with you. I cannot see myself with anyone else but you. I feel safe in your embrace. I feel beautiful and I get breathless when you look at me. I would never do anything to disrespect you or what we have. That’s why I love you, boy.

That should suffice, right? It better.

Peace and Love. Be blessed. 

The Big Switch.

I don’t think I’ve ever realized, until now, how deeply I loved. I don’t mean just in relationships, but I’m talking about just about everything I get involved in. I have a tendency to fall deep for things. Like say, my friendships, my family, my love of pink, shoes, make-up, and Beyonce… yeah. I’m so serious.


The people I associate myself with, I truly want the best for them. I want to fiercely protect them, I want for them to be happy, and I want their success more than my own. It’s weird, I know. I honestly would body someone over my friends. The thought scares me. I think I came to this realization once I finally let go of the whole “ex” situation. I woke up one day and was just over it. He finally got want he wanted. He was happy. So, even though it wasn’t me, I was okay. What the everloving fuck was that about?!

Why couldn’t I stay mad, sad or bitter? Why couldn’t I feel what was totally normal and justified? Why wasn’t I hurt? He always talked about what he wanted and what I couldn’t give him at the time. Someone did. It wasn’t me, but from the outside looking in, he was on the path to his happily ever after. So, I was good. I loved him that deep that I was still rooting for him and wishing for his success and happiness. I was praying for him to just… make it. I didn’t want him to struggle; I wanted all of his dreams to come true. The same prayers that I was saying when we were together, I was still praying them.

As I type this, my mind is screaming, “WHAT PART OF THE GAME IS THIS?!?!?!” and I’m honestly not sure. Maybe my readers can help me understand. I’m still young. I’m still learning. So, I honestly don’t have an answer. But I went from wanting to key the fuck out of his pretty little car to wanting to shake his hand, smile, and say “….my man” in my Frank Lucas “American Gangster” voice. Whoa.

The New Year

…The end of the year. As it rapidly approaches, I start to reflect more and more on the past year. It was filled with its ups and downs, triumphs and failures. I learned some hard life lessons and I lost some people while I gained others. I’m young, (hence the site name) so as I get older and learn these hard life lessons, and become more of an “adult”, I anticipate the new year and what it will hold.

            What will this new year bring? What style changes will I make? Who will I meet? Who will I disassociate myself with? I have so many questions. Life is ever-evolving. I cannot stand to stay stagnant. Normalcy does not amuse me in the slightest. Maybe I’ll pick up and move to a state where no one knows my name, or maybe I’ll dye my hair a crazy color and become the super unapproachable bitch. Ahh… the possibilities of the new year.

            For the Debbie Downers that rag on those that appreciate the coming new year and the changes that they plan to make, I say this to you… Have several seats and stay the same. Let us, the free-thinkers, the optimists, the people that are desperate for something new and better, let us bask in the possibilities of 01/01/2011.

Friends... Who Needs Them?!

Friends. How many of us have them? Not just associates we hang around for the sake of not being alone, but actual friends that we depend on. Look at the girls or guys that you surround yourself with. Can you count on these people to be there when it all falls down? Do you honestly believe that you can trust these people with your innermost thoughts, feelings and insecurities?

            I have three girls that I trust with my… everything. They are the most irritating, horrible, judgmental, beautiful, witty, and smart females that I know. Lee, Nina, and Tash-E are always there. I have a tendency to love deep. I give entirely too much of myself to someone in any given situation and these are the only girls who have proven time and time again that they are worthy of my time and tears.

            We all have extraordinary stories, and hopefully I’ll be able to find the words in order to put our stories together in a way that pleases all of us. We all have had very difficult life experiences and through adversity, we all are still shining like motherfucking stars. (I stole that from Little Wayne’s “Misunderstood” song, which was pretty good by the way. Check it out.)

            I digress. I have a low attention span. Anyway, These girls are always there for me. We address each of our parents as “mom” and “dad”, and we go above and beyond for one another. If one of us is struggling financially and the other has it, they give it. If one of us is feeling depressed, we’re booking a flight or bus ride to bring them out of that slump.

            My mother once said to me while I was fighting with one of my sisters, that, “You’re only blessed with ONE true friend, so cherish them. Don’t ever let them go.”

I believe that I was given the overflow with my three.

            If you have someone close to you that you consider your other half, cherish them. Petty fights and disagreements should not stop your friendship from flourishing. Life’s way too short for silliness. Swallow your pride and keep it pushing, pimpin’.

          I'm currently in the middle of a sleepover with two of my sisters. Yes, we're grown and still huddled up in one queen sized bed. Enjoy your weekend. 

These Words Are My Own.

I'm still working on how to post the next excerpt from my novel. I know everyone that has read is interested in learning more about the girls. However, I need to interject with a different sort of post. As always, leave me comments. :)

            Walking around in a pair of sparkly six inch platform heels, pajama shorts and pigtails (very Carrie Bradshaw-esque, I know), I decided I needed to make a list of things I need to buy. Such as blush, pressed powder, more shoes, etc. So I picked up the first notebook I saw laying around and of course, with my luck, it’s the notebook I’ve used to write down all of my thoughts from May until now.

            I skimmed. They were all about… him. I couldn’t bring myself to actually read these thoughts. I had dug myself out of the hole already. Going back in was out of the question. Besides, I was on my monthly. Emotions were running on an all time high for me. Tears were not a part of the equation today. I was wearing sparkly heels, for Christ’s sake.

            But the point of this post is, these words… Do I dispose of them? Are they constant reminders of my failures in this relationship? Am I tormenting myself by having them sitting on my desk? Or, as an aspiring writer and a person that is constantly evolving, are these words useful to me in some way? Maybe when my soul mate finds me, I can look back and see how silly I might’ve been. Or, I can use them for material for a future column, book, etc. etc. Am I making excuses to hold on to a piece of me I’m supposed to be over?

-sigh- I have questions. I’m over the situation, yes. However, these journal entries were a major part of me. These words are beautiful. They’re scrambled and sometimes ugly and depressing. But, they’re mine.